Saturday, October 25, 2008

There are still good people in this world.

http://www.grimacenyc.com/Peeps.htm

It's amazing what every-day functions have become second nature. You sniff when your nose drips. You close a drawer after you open it. You put your wallet back in your pocket after you've paid for gas.

Actually, not so much on that last one. A couple days ago I was at the gas station. I had just swiped my credit card at the pump and was thinking very seriously about running into the convenience store for a Slurpee. But I was also running really late.

I drove off without the drink. About 10 miles down the highway, I also realized I had driven off without my wallet. Apparently my mind was unable to process simultaneously the decision to not get a Slurpee and the mental effort involved in putting my wallet back in my pocket.

Immediately I began wondering what my life was going to be like over the next couple weeks. Without my wallet I would be nothing. I'd have no power to buy, no power to vote, and no power to enter night clubs and get my dance on. Essentially, I had been stripped of all my rights and reduced to the social ranking of kindergartner.

Without a drivers license on my person, I flipped a U and headed back to the gas station. I was bracing myself for the worst. I figured my identity had already been stolen and the thief had already applied for a job as a porta-potty cleaner under my name.

Not only that, I knew darn well my credit cards had been maxed out to buy car parts for illegal street-racing. Plus, I assumed the thief had already used my insurance card to get a free doctor's visit, since robbers can't have much of a health plan (but I was sure the thief would regret it after finding out that doctor's visits are only covered in full every-other new moon by doctor's that went to medical school at a university that rhymes with orange).

The only hope I had was that the thief would buy one more sandwich at Subway to get the last needed stamp for my Subway Card, and as a token of appreciation mail it back to me so I could get a free sub. Even then I'd need some money to purchase the medium drink required to claim it.

Finally, I made it back to the gas station. Just as I had figured, there was no wallet lying around the pump where I had filled up. With a skeptic heart, I wandered into the convenience store--just in case the thief was like me and had forgotten his wallet, I mean my wallet, while he purchased a quick doughnut.

My wallet was there; someone had turned it in! All the credit cards were in their place. Even the $2 cash I had was untouched. Unfortunately, I still needed one more stamp on my Subway card.

The whole ordeal was a wake-up call. The world around has made me a hard and cold cynic. I've turned into a New Yorker (yes, I'm stereotyping). But all truth be told, when I lost my wallet my first thought was that it would be stolen, not that it would be turned in. It's time for me to start seeing the sunrise in people, and not just the sunset. There's good out there.

Mr. or Ms. Wallet-Turner-Inner, if you read this please contact me. I'd like to shake your hand and buy you a Slurpee.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

As a man, I don't know what look to go for.

I'd love it if I could buy clothes just once and call it good for the rest of my life. Unfortunately I'm regularly ruining my clothes, causing my wardrobe to run thin. Just the other day I was tapping on my khaki pants with an ink pen, having no idea the lid was off.

I think buying clothes is a nightmare. Most the stuff in stores now a day is made for men that aren't really men. It all looks like it's trying to be too fashionable.

With that attitude, I was recently shopping at some outlet stores with my wife and doing my best to find something worthwhile. As I wandered aimlessly from store to store, I came to realize something. All the casual-wear clothes I was sorting through, from shoes to pants to shirts to hats, fell into one of three categories:

1) The prep-school/croquet look. This all-around look covers a man whether he's docking his sailboat in a New England harbor or playing a pick-up game of Lacrosse at the park. The key to the ensemble is the neck covering; in the summer months a popped collar will do, in the winter months a scarf is a must. Solid, assertive colors rule among men of this look. Not only should their conversation be about Thoreau's works and their late father's trust fund, but their fashion should be as well. Finally, the whole outfit is for not if the hair isn't combed and a bottle of sparkling water isn't in hand.

Vendors include Ralph Lauren, Tommy Hilfiger, and Gap.2) The Northwest/outdoor/organic look. While the look poses as rugged, if any guy actually showed up to a real mountain-man's cabin dressed as such he'd be beaten to tears and thrown to the wolves. Inspired by pine trees, granola, and waterproofing, the clothes in this category are ideal for walking along a forest trail while eating a yogurt. Most selections are found in earth tones. If this look was a car it would be a Subaru.

Vendors include L.L.Bean, Eddie Bauer, and Columbia Sportswear.3) The California-dude look. It screams cool. Maybe too cool. The letters on the shirts and sweaters are always large, usually white. Most of the garb looks faded--suggesting that the individual is often out in the California sun. Belts are key, and they come in either brown or white. Slightly wrinkled is preferred. Footwear is usually in the sandal family. Many of the suppliers, by their ads, would have you believe you'll look just as good with their shirt off as you will with it on.

Vendors include Hollister, Aeropostale, and Abercrombie & Fitch.
To be honest, I don't want to join any of those ranks. Isn't there another option for casual wear? I know if I don't join one of the above categories, I'll have to continue cherry picking the border-line items from each one. I need some common theme in my wardrobe. What about the Australian Outback look, or the Norwegian/Slavic look? Have any stores popped up supporting those?

Photo: http://www.gamespot.com/pages/forums/show_msgs.php?topic_id=26548349&page=3
Photo: http://www.guardianecostore.co.uk/guardian/product.aspx?topGroup=106&subCat=0&subGroup=2707
Photo: http://blog.nj.com/fashiontoday/2008/06/summer_stock.html

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Why do I live in a place that gets cold?


It snowed last night. It was the first snow fall of the season. So today I'm wondering, "why the crap do I live somewhere that gets cold?" I usually spend the first half of every winter pondering that question.

I just don't get it. It doesn't make sense. I live in a place where for half of the year it's uncomfortable to go outside. I suppose I, like most other people, live somewhere in the vicinity of where my ancestors settled. So why did our ancestors settle in cold places?

Of the 13 original colonies, only 3 were in the south. Here's the real kicker--Florida wasn't one of the original colonies! What were those Puritans thinking? Were Florida's sandy beaches and palm trees too extravagant for them to claim it? A life by the Boston Harbor where temperatures linger in single digits for several months was more preferred?

I know Christopher Columbus landed somewhere in the Bahamas. What did he tell all the Europeans when he got back? "Oh, we found some all right places, but if you guys go north when you make your pilgrimage to the New World you won't have to deal with all the mangoes and exotic birds and lush, tropical vegetation."

Whatever the case, they did settle in cold places and so now many of us have to deal with nasty winters. However, I'm still confused/bothered by those around me that are so chipper about the winter months.

"Oh, the fresh snow is so beautiful," and "it's nice to get a break from the heat" are phrases I often hear. Snow looks OK, I guess, but the knowledge that it's cold once you walk into it turns me off fast enough. Besides, it ends up looking brown and dirty by the end of the day anyway.

And I don't see how people would rather have it cold outside than hot outside. Your fingers don't get sore and numb when it's a hot day. And I've never had to spend the first five minutes of my morning letting my car run while I scrape the windows because it was a warm day.

Furthermore, the winter optimists around me lose all credibility because they still go on vacation to warm places. In January they take off to places like Cancun, Orlando, and Las Vegas. Show me a winter enthusiast that escapes to Fargo, ND in the middle of winter and then I'll be convinced.

I understand San Diego is already jam packed with people in my line of thinking. Plus a 1/2 bedroom, 1/2 bathroom apartment there costs as much as a the whole state of Wyoming does. So one of these years I'll just have to go settle in some little corner of the Amazon or the Sahara. The heat won't bother me, but the spiders or the dust storms might take some getting used to.

Photo: http://www.silive.com/news/index.ssf/2007/12/23-week/

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Rubber cement boogers vs. cell phones in school


I recently read an article in the local paper about the trouble schools are having with students and cell phones. You've got 2nd graders texting in class, 3th graders checking stock prices on the bus, and 4th graders calling the weather hotline before recess.

Apparently a lot of teachers don't know how to deal with the new distractions brought about by the cellular telephone. I guess the distractions that were around when I was in middle school have taken a back seat to the new technology.

My schoolmates and I used pen and paper to draw Picasso-like pictures of our teachers, the nose and eyes exaggerated to the extreme. We used Elmer's Rubber Cement to make fake boogers. We disassembled spring-loaded ball point pens and reassembled them into small rockets.

We used our calculators to text each other. We'd write secret notes by way of digital numbers; "316008," turned upside down, spells "BOOgIE." Furthermore, "07734," turned upside down, spells "hELL0." If we were looking to stir things up, we'd leave off the zero and just write ""7734."

Our digital vocabulary was about as large as our verbal vocabulary.

In high school the distractions became even greater. Once we got into trigonometry and calculus, we were given scientific calculators. That's when all 7734 broke lose. They were basically little computers intended to graph curves on an x and y axis. But with their technological capabilities, they could also store simple games. Suddenly Tetris and Space Invaders was being played during every class.

What we were doing as students is nothing compared to what's happening now. The article I read said students are using their cell phone cameras to take dirty pictures and send them to one another. I guess that provides new ammo for students to use when they're arguing with their PE teacher about not wanting to shower after PE.

Teacher: "Everyone has to shower. If you're caught getting dressed without one I'll dock you 10 points."

Student: "But Chuck lurks behind the lockers and and takes pictures with his cell phone when we do."

The article also said they're using their cell phone's video cameras to record after-school fights. Frankly, I wish we would have that technology to record some of the fights I saw in Jr. High. The one where Josh Bell got punched in the face and had his glasses broken wasn't half bad.

Or, maybe recording such fights would be helpful to some students. In 5th grade, when I got in a fight with Aaron Bean by the tetherball courts, maybe I wouldn't have gotten detention if some student had recorded it. Then it could have been proved that I was merely fighting in self defense because he wiped grasshopper guts on my arm.

My final word to today's teachers: if you take cell phones away from students, they'll just go back to making rubber cement boogers.