Surviving Church

Every week I face a long, grueling battle, and the opponent has many facets. It's me against sitting for too long. It's me against hunger. It's me against boredom. Etcetera, etcetera.

Based on the medical knowledge I gained from ripping heads off grasshoppers during recess in the 4th grade, I diagnosed myself with ADHD a few years ago.

I should have been diagnosed earlier, by a physician, so I could have had an excuse when my mom and dad came home from parent-teacher conferences. Instead, they disciplined me as if I was perfectly capable of controlling myself.

School was tough to endure, but it was broken up by recesses, lunch, and pogs. The boredom found at Church, however, was impossible to overcome.

After observing the way I responded to boredom, my Sunday School teachers would become fed up with me. They attempted to punish me in all sorts of ways, and finally they just started kicking me out of class. But I quickly realized I enjoyed it more on the OUTSIDE of the classroom than the INSIDE.

I went on to milk that consequence for all it was worth. I'd sit in Sunday School for about 3 minutes, get bored, raise hell, and bam!, I was a free man in an empty hallway.

Now that I'm an adult, that strategy doesn't have the same affect. Everyone just looks at me funny, and nobody kicks me out. So I have to resort to other methods. Here's my short list of ways to get through it all:

1. Bring food. Once, right before Sunday School started, I told my wife I had to go to the bathroom. I ran home and got some fruit snacks. She was really mad..., until I pulled out a pouch of them just for her.

2. Create your own hymns. Being a seasoned rapper, I often compose my own hymns while sitting on the pews. Once I've made up enough for a hymnal, I'll submit them to be published for churches in the more urban areas.

3. Draw. Whether it's a depiction of a mighty war between two pirate ships or a portrait of the bishopric, a detailed sketch can make the time move along quickly.

4. Play the "Who'd Be More Likely To... ?" game. While sitting in church, look around and ask yourself, or someone next to you that is also looking for a mental escape, "Who'd be more likely to suddenly snap and start swearing like a sailor at the next church activity, Sister Jones (the 75-year old choir director), or Brother Hammond (the 50-year old high priest that claims he saw Jesus)?"

Heaven knows any soldier will need more than four ways to make it through a 3-hour set of meetings. But this is a quick list for all of you who'd like a starter-kit of ammo for this week's battle.