Bounced

This week I joined the lousiest, lowest, most-worthless folks in society. In other words, I could've sat down to a friendly turkey-dinner with Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinski, and Vanilla Ice (being cautious to keep Lewinski from eating all the turkey), and been in good company.

Sooooo... I bounced a check. Yes, I understand the consequence of admitting that. There's not a snowball's chance in heck you'll ever talk to me again, let alone read one of my articles. If there's one thing I've learned from life, it's this: people that DON'T bounce checks don't hang around people that DO. But before you start to judge me, or before you judge me even more, or before you tear up that check I sent for your birthday, understand that it was the government's fault.

I had just finished filing my taxes through H&R Block Online (which was, by the way, a horrible experience and I'd rather try to file my taxes through my 4-year old niece than use their Online software again). And as a side note, if you didn't get that birthday check I just mentioned, please contact my new accountant.

For the first time in my short history of doing my own taxes, I actually owed money after filing. Apparently I had been stealing money from the government throughout all of 2007, which I did by exaggerating my exemptions on my W-2s. And they wanted the dirty dollars back.

So instead of fleeing the country with my exemption cash, I took a couple more gulps out of my 2-liter Shasta Zazz (to numb the upcoming pain), wrote out a healthy-sized check to the IRS, and dropped it in the mail right-a-way. Turns out the 'ol Postal Service is processing letters a good deal faster than normal. And as soon as the IRS got my check in their hands they made a beeline to the nearest 7-11 and cashed it, well before I had a chance to look on the internets to see if I needed to transfer any more money to my checking account. Anyway, the check bounced around my checking account like a steel marble in a pinball machine--only to be sent down the gap between the two flippers. Game over.

Upon finding out, my self esteem was as low as Death Valley. I had just bounced a check! My word was no good, because that's what a check is. It's your word on the line that says you've got as much money as you wrote out. I figured my family would disown me, our electricity would be turned off, and my credit would be left in ruins. Luckily, the next day my bank stepped in and patted me on the back with a nice, warm $40 insufficient-funds fee.

Yeah, it's one thing to bounce a check, it's another thing to bounce a check to the IRS. So I'll be busy getting my receipts in order... I'm sure there's an audit coming my way.