My greatest enemy is not the state's safety & emissions test (but it is a close second, since it has conquered me and my car every year for the past three years). And my greatest fear is not fear itself; as much as Mandela suggests. My greatest enemy and my greatest fear is actually the spider.
Spiders scare the heck out of me, and just writing the word gives me the hebejebes. Give me snakes, scorpions, or socialists, just don't give me spiders.
A couple weeks ago my wife and I had pulled into the church parking lot. After I put the car in park my wife suddenly stiffened against the back of her seat and her face went blank, like she was staring at death's door. I'd try something like that as well, to get out of church, but she had real fear in her eyes. "Oh my gosh!" she yelled, pointing at the dash above my steering wheel.
There, perched above my speedometer, sat a spider the size of a small frog. In one fluid motion I flung open my door and army rolled out onto the pavement. My wife then made a few attempts to get it out of the car with an ice scraper, but that only made it retreat into the air vent.
I've been driving on pins and needles ever since, not sure when the spider would make another appearance. If texting while driving increases your chance of an accident ten times, I bet seeing a spider in your car while driving increases it a thousand. So I've been hoping it wouldn't rear it's ugly face when I'm doing 75 on the freeway
Well, last Wednesday I was running a bit late for work. I bounded down the stairs from my condo and hopped into my car, trying to make up time where I could. As I turned the ignition and backed out of my parking spot, cranking the steering wheel like crazy, I felt a stringy substance cross the back of my hands.
I looked down and saw the last thing I wanted to see: a giant spider, dangling above my knees. My hands had just mauled the web it had worked up overnight. In the heat of the moment I duplicated the move I made in the church parking lot, weeks earlier. Only this time I had to get my car into park before the army roll onto the parking lot was made.
As I knelt on the pavement with my heart threatening to pound out of my chest, I tried to figure out how I was going to get back in my car and on my way to work. I ran into the house and fetched a broom, and after a few minutes of gladiator-like battling I got the wretched thing out from under my steering wheel column.
I've got a re-inspection for the state safety & emissions test scheduled for later this week, after I get some brake thing replaced. I'd really like for the evil spider to crawl out onto the safety & emissions guy, while he's re-inspecting my car. It would be nice to have my first and second worst enemies meet, and see if the second is any good at the army roll.
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6 comments:
killer blog. well done rock.
Just reading the word spider gives me the hebejebes too! I've had goosebumps the whole time I read this, and I completely sympathise with your situation.
Hello! Do you not know your niece, Alisa? All you would have to do is give her a ride around the block in the car and by the first turn she would have that arachnid in hand, named and tamed and she would probably keep it as her newest pet!
Gross!!! I consider myself somewhat brave but spiders are my kryptonite as well. I probably would have ran right into the neighbors condo. Well done Rock.
whoa, Ross, that was one of the funniest blogs ever. I laughed so hard at the army roll comment. Still chuckling, actually! Oh, so funny. Thanks for the laugh
.....commenting on Carolyn's comment....Alisa was telling me about school today, and mentioned they had to make lists about things they like and don't like. As she told me the things she wrote down under the "like" column, --like piano, ice cream, etc. she said, "Oh man! I can't believe I didn't have enough time to write down how much I like spiders!"
Yeah, too bad she wasn't there for ya, big guy.
I'm pretty sure I was cursed or something from reading this awesome blog...but the same night I read it, I was just sitting on my bed, minding my own business, and a spider the size of a quarter scurried across my floor over to my bed! I yelled and had my dad come kill it...while I stayed on the bed with all limbs pulled in tight!
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