I can save the airline industry

Not long ago I was watching talk-show host Glenn Beck interview some CEO of an airline company. They were discussing the rising costs the airline industry is facing and how consumers will be affected. The CEO predicted that eventually ticket prices will get so high that flying will be something the average person does only once or twice in a lifetime.

I was astonished! If what I heard was true, it would be the end of regular vacations and business trips.

To keep from getting to that point too quickly, airlines have begun to take action. They're reducing the number of flights offered, cutting out snacks, and charging $15 per suitcase.

Well I'm here to offer some real help. I now direct my words to Mr. Airline, CEO...

Dear Sir,

I've brainstormed some great ways for you and your associates to come up with significant savings in the airline industry.

So you've cut the peanuts and pretzels, but you're still serving branded drinks, such as Coke and Pepsi? Come on, you're throwing money away! Next time a passenger requests a Sprite, hand them a Shasta Twist. When they request a juice, hand them a cold glass of Berry Blue Kool-Aid.

Next, why are you placing all the lowly coach-passengers in bucket seats? Give 'em benches. You can fit more people on a bench than you can in lined-up bucket seats. Would people complain about having to sit on a bench for three hours? Not necessarily. If they go to church regularly they're already used to it.

Furthermore, why are you paying workers to load your passenger's luggage? Make them walk it out and load it into the airplane themselves. Maybe they'll think twice about bringing home that bag of sand from the beach when they have to hoist their overloaded suitcase up into the cargo door by themselves.

On that note, you should take a lesson from the Unites States Post Office; charge according to weight. It's simple math. Starting from JFK Airport, flying the Clinton family to Arkansas is going require more fuel than flying the entire New York City Ballet to Paris. And it'll require more chips and dip.

So place a weighing mechanism at the boarding gate that everyone must walk across before they get on the plane. Kind of like a livestock scale, just not as nice (i.e. pricey). At that point, compare the passenger's weight with the normal body mass index for a person of their height, age, and gender.

If they're under, give them some in-plane credit towards earphone rentals, blanket use, and extra drinks. If they're over, make them shell out a few more bucks to get on board. Sure, you may have people throwing up their breakfast while they wait in line because they want to make the cutoff, but I'm positive you've got extra barf bags handy. Speaking of which, could those be reused... ?

To the future of affordable flights!